Love Bites

I never thought that this was what love could feel like. They always say that in those songs that you float and sigh and blush all the time when you're in love. You're always happy when you're in love. Everything is supposed to be perfect.

But there I was, cell phone clutched tightly in two shaky hands, tears streaming down my face.

In the silence that followed, I erased my mind and went to bed numb. Numb was the only way to deal with this. I had never shattered my own heart before, not like this. I needed to gather the pieces slowly. I started with the past.

Love was in my life once before. He came out of nowhere, telling me he loved me only months after we first met. It had been a year since I had a boyfriend, but that didn't mean I needed one so badly. I politely pushed his feelings aside and fell for another. My relationship floundered and I found myself Love's grasp once again, fighting against the rough tide forcing me under.

In all honesty, I was terrified of Love. And so, his words went unanswered, and I drove him mad like this for a year. I told him I regretted being near him. I hurt him in anyway that I could. But still, he came back for more. After dating and breaking up with my best friend, he came back with those same three words on his lips.

"I love you." And they sent me running again.

I ran into a cycle, falling for boys who overlooked me to be with my other friends, or just breaking others' hearts because I couldn't simply say no. First, they loved me, then they would run off and I'd never see them again in the same light. I only started to really regret it all when I began to hate what I had become.

And all the boys would love Laina, or Christina; perhaps even Marie at one point.

He liked her once too, but he never loved her. No. He only had those words for me, and I pushed them away because I was terrified. I was spiraling, going around in circles for years and years at a time. We would talk, but it would always be the same, and I was always too broken to say no, or to push him away. "He is bad for you." My friends would tell me, "Worse than chocolate!"

But I knew deep down in my heart that I loved chocolate too much to throw it away in the trash.

I needed him to down my own problems. His situations at home seemed far worse than my own, so helping him would help me. I always loved it when I could hear the smile in his voice. But things got rocky. Like with the first boy who loved me unrequitedly, I fell for another person, and I tried everything for them to notice me. But he only had eyes for my best friend, and I was instantly crushed.

In a panic, I stupidly turned to my chocolate boy, hoping he could do something for me. But I only made matters worse. I don't remember ever crying so hard in just one weekend.

Things just got more and more rocky. I fell ill, and ailment after ailment, my chocolate was there for me, assuring me that I would get well soon. Six months passed and I still wasn't much better. Then, the worst thing happened.

I was spiraling again, allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of my insecurities. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't going to make it through life. I would never get married. I was going to fail everyone around me. How was I going to live if I couldn't pay to support myself? How would I survive? Through my tears, I dialed his number and just talked until he was silent enough for the both of us. My heart ached for him to say something, anything, to just take the edge off the pain.

But all he could say was, "Wow... Awkward silence?"

and, like glass breaking, I felt my heart contract painfully and then burst. I knew how it felt now. After telling the first boy over and over again that I couldn't love, I found out how to on accident. I found out how fragile your heart becomes, and in that instant, I wanted nothing more than for my heart to become stone so that at least I couldn't let it break so easily.

I was in the hospital after that, praying that he would call me every night. Even after I had told him "Goodbye" I still held some hope that he would care or worry about me. But when I got home to check my messages, there was nothing there from him. Not a crumb left over from my chocolate.

I knew then that I would never speak to him again. The fantasy was over, and reality was pulling at my puppet strings, begging to play with my head once again. In that moment, I realized I never wanted to feel this way again.

And there I stood, cell phone clutched tightly in two shakey hands, tears streaming down my face.

------------------------------------

Sleep ing and dreaming only last me a few months after my chocolate had left me in the dust. I had fended for myself for long enough, and I held off other people's come-ons for so long. I had felt like an eternity since I had spoken about him, but he never left my thoughts.

And then, one hot, early summer morning, I woke with a start. Was that him, or was I really dreaming?

Music echoed from my speakers and through the fan, but I didn't want to move from under the sheets on my bed. I just wanted to sit there and stare at the wall, hoping that the dreams I had were far from coming true.

But, as far as I knew it, all m dreams had all come true before. Why would this be any different?

Shaking my head silently, I tried my hardest to hold the tears as I remembered the dream. Where was I? Somewhere fancy, and I was walking down a red-carpeted staircase. At the bottom was a friend of mine and someone he knew, but his name wasn't on my mind. No, I called out the chocolate boy's name instead. And lo and behold, Cosmo turned around with my friend's haircut.

Part of me wanted to turn around slowly and climb up the stairs to hide my shame.

But I was already in motion, running after him down the flight of stairs despite the fact that I was wearing my best clothes. It was really nice wherever I was.

He tore off in the other direction, around the staircase so that I couldn't find him, but I went off around it to meet him halfway. I tackled him into the wall and we sunk down together into a hug. But why was I hugging him? Why was he letting me?

I think he asked, "What are you doing here, Kayla?"

"Well, I needed to keep my promise to you, didn't I?"

Then I started hearing the music seep through my dreamlands in Cosmo's arms.

'All you need is love is a lie 'cause
we had a love but we still said goodbye
now we're tired, battered fighters.
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
'cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
it's only the air you took
and the breath you left

So maybe I'll sleep inside my coat
and wait on the porch till you come back home
alright, I can't find a flight.
We share a sadness.
Split screen sadness.'

What promise I held so dear, I couldn't remember anymore. There were too many between the two of us for me to recall anything specific. But when I opened my eyes, I felt that maybe twelve weeks away from him wasn't long enough to totally forget about him.

I remembered a story about a woman whose lesbian lover died in a tragic accident. After the lover was cremated, the woman took some of the ashes and consumed them for twelve days to forget all about her dead loved one. If only I could forget as easily as she could. If only I could take it back. But it was too late to be thinking that, and too early in the morning to be crying.

I wandered down the stairs and had my morning cup of tea, wishing that someone aside from my sister was home.

And regretting the fact that I let myself cry over him again.