The General Lee

One of my best friends in High School was this giant, hairy, teddy bear of guy named Wes. I can described him in one word: "Patrick". If you've ever watched SpongeBob Squarepants then you know Patrick, SpongeBob's best friend and sidekick. Well, that's Wes...really, I'm totally serious: Patrick = Wes. A fun loving, easy going, always happy kind of guy. Wes drove a beat up 1979 Datsun 210. The midnight blue paint job looked like someone spray painted it at midnight - in complete darkness - not really sure where the car was with respect to the paint sprayer. That car was a real piece. Being from 1979, it was fully loaded with an 8-track player, faux leather wrapped steering wheel, and an "8 ball" mounted atop the gear shift as the handle. One of the doors of the car wouldn't open, so naturally we called his car the "General Lee" after the Dukes of Hazard car with its doors welded shut. I loved grabbing the roof of the car and lifting myself into the passenger seat through the side window. Which actually could have looked cool in a far better, faster car.

Anyway, the 8-track player was half broken in that there was an 8-track stuck in it. Discovered only after it "ate" one that we forced out. So we dumbly loaded another one to see if it would also get stuck. It did, so we left it. The 8-track that became permanently affixed to the General Lee was none other than AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". The last album by the group's original singer "Bon Scott" before his sad death (RIP Bon, you rock.!). Even today I can't listen to a single track off that album without thinking of Wes and the General Lee. About how the 8 Ball gear shift handle was all marked up because Wes would tap on it while driving and jamming. He'd smack it with his right hand wearing his High School class ring which left a infinite density of divots on the top of the 8 ball.

A particular memory is conjured up when I think of the General Lee and Highway to Hell. Wes was one of the biggest guys on our High School football team. I didn't play, but Wes and my other best friends composed about half of the offensive line and backfield, so I attended most games. The last game of our senior year went into five overtimes - a state record back then.

We won with a touchdown at the last second of the fifth overtime..real made-for-tv stuff. To celebrate, one our girlfriend's who could "buy" thought it would be classy to drink a case of pink champagne. Now let's think about this for a moment: a bunch a football players winning a really huge game ready to whoop it up and in comes a case of really bad, cheap Andre Cold Duck pink champagne? Yeah, imagine the reception that got. So you know what we did? I'll tell ya, we played quarters with it. It was truly awful, but we got very drunk very quickly.

Next thing I remember is my Mom leaning over me and calling my name. It was the next morning. I was completely and utterly unaware of my surroundings until my blurry eyes and head finally came into focus. I'm in my bedroom. Ahh..yes, good, I recognize this place. Now, what is my Mom saying and why is she so dressed up? She says "Son, you're suppose to drive me to..." Turns out I had promised to drive her to some fancy luncheon with her and her friends way across town. Then she goes on "where's the car son???" Hmmm...good question. I had no idea since I didn't even remember getting home. Just then Wes walks into my room. He says "oh yea...I drove us home last night".

My Mom goes into a tizzie (justifiable mind you) about why I didn't drive our car home - asking where it is? Is it ok? And so on... My head was pounding louder than any AC/DC song ever could. I could hardly mutter an excuse. I was just thankful that Wes was coherent enough to provide me with some cover on probably the worst hangover of my life. Yes, my friends, stay away from a good cheap drunk with Andre Cold Duck pink champagne. And do not, I repeat DO NOT EVER play quarters with it.

So we take my fancy dressed Mom to a fancy club in Wes's General Lee. She has to get in on Wes's side because the passenger door is broken. Meaning, she has to crawl in and over to the passenger door. Then Wes turns up AC/DC Highway to Hell looking at me in the rear view mirror cracking himself up because he knows that its causing another kind of hell in my head. Then another problem hits. Wes runs through a red light (we're late of course) and the car goes dead. Music, engine, everything - dead.

My Mom is ready to kill us both. Wes "says, no problem Mrs. 'W' (my Mom), I'll have her fixed in a second." He jumps out of the car and pops the hood. He takes the battery which is off its block and embedded down into the engine and straps it back into its base using some bungee chords. He reattaches the cables, gets back into the car, turns the key and we're off again.

We roll into this swanky country club, the doorman comes and tries to open my Mom's door and it won't budge. She's beyond humiliation at this point and just wants to be free of us. Wes gets out and tells the doorman she's getting out on his side. My Mom and her once nicely pressed suit crawls over to the driver seat and steps out dusting herself off. I get one of her signature "boy, you are gonna get" looks that only a Mom can give. Wes and I head to Denny's for a series of Grand Slam Breakfasts and all the coffee our bladders can handle. Then to retrieve my car abandoned at the party the woeful night before.

Now about the song. Clearly the entire Highway to Hell album reminds me of Wes and the General Lee, but if I had to pick a song, it's surely "Girls Got Rhythm". I hear it and I see Wes tapping that 8 ball, singing like a rock star into his rear view mirror as a mic and driving down the highway to...well..