Say Goodbye

There are a lot of songs that bring back good memories from a certain happy time in your life. Unfortunately, there are also certain songs that bring back memories from a not-so-happy time in your life. More often than not, it’s hard to listen to these songs, because you don’t want to re-live the emotional meltdown that once occurred. Certain experiences can ruin a song, even a good song, forever.

In my previous memory about Radiohead, I mentioned my first puppy love from freshman year of high school, Scott. After our ‘romantic’ phase, if you will, Scott and I always remained good friends throughout our entire lives. As we grew into our twenties and started reaching adulthood, I valued our friendship more and more. I was so grateful to have a friend that had been there for me since I was fourteen, with the exception of my girlfriends of course. I was glad that Scott was more than just a teenage fling. He turned out to be one of my best friends, and I never once took that for granted.

When I was twenty-two, Scott died of a drug overdose. I was devastated. I spent weeks, months even, listening to every song that reminded me of him: Radiohead, Pink Floyd, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, you name it. Every time I listened to one of these songs, I felt like I was back in his room with him, lying on his bed, listening to music together. Only I wasn’t, and I knew I would never be again.

The night of his funeral, my friends and I went to a local bar to watch Scott’s friends’ band play. They announced that at the end of their set, they were going to play a song dedicated to him. Everyone waited anxiously, wondering what song they were going to play. After all, Scott loved music, and there were a million songs I could think of that reminded me, and most likely everyone else, of him. At the end of the set, the singer of the band made a speech about Scott’s death, everyone made a toast to him, and they proceeded to play ‘Don’t Follow.’

“Hey, I ain’t never coming home…

 Hey, I’ll just wander my own road…

 Hey, I can’t meet you there tomorrow…

 Say goodbye, don’t follow.”

Before long, the whole bar was in tears.

I used to love the song ‘Don’t Follow’, and I still do, but it has a completely different meaning to me now. Whenever I hear it, it brings me back to a place where I was sad, confused and heartbroken. A place where nothing made sense and life didn’t seem fair. A place where everyone tried to make me feel better, but the one person who could wasn’t there.

That’s not a place I ever want to go back to.

But I can’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, when I listen to it and think of Scott, if he’s somewhere out there thinking of me as well, looking over me. I guess I’ll never know, but I sure hope so. All I can do is hope.