Killing Puppies & Other Tales From Church

Once a week when I was in the 5th grade all the neighborhood girls went to a group called the Missionettes. It was exactly like Girl Scouts, only through a church in nearby Pleasanton. We weren't the strictest churchgoers, and when we did go we were Catholics. The church that was behind Missionettes was, well something really bible thumpy. I don't actually remember. All I know is I really liked going because all the neighborhood kids went, and they got to wear these really pretty powder blue sashes. Besides, I liked God, he got me. So my parents let me go. No harm done.

The flip side to this. I was just really starting to discover rock music, thanks in large part to my brother. On Saturday nights when my parents would go out, my brother & his friends would let me stay up with them and drink chocolate milk and watch Headbangers Ball. I loved it. I came to have a special love for Ozzy. Close Your Eyes was huge, and I dearly loved Shot In The Dark (The Ultimate Sin would go on to be my favorite Ozzy album). At that age you don't always get the lyrics, you just like the song. One of my brother's good friends was an Ozzy fanatic, and loved to school me on all things Ozzy.

The problems began to arise when my joy for attending Missionettes conflicted with my love of Headbangers Ball and Ozzy in-particularly. One night at Missionettes, the topic was something like "The Evils of Rock Music". I knew right then at that moment, that I was going to straight to hell. I sat silently as everyone discussed all the evil stuff rock music made people do. I don't know why or what made me open my big mouth, but I quietly asked "but Ozzy's OK, right?' I was in the 5th grade, how was I supposed to know that he was satan? 

Immediately  I was bombarded with horrible stories about Ozzy's subliminal messages making kids kill themselves, and about him eating bats live on stage. The worst story was about a show he did right here in California, where he threw buckets of little puppies into the audience, and locked all the exits. He then told the concert goers that they wouldn't be allowed to leave until every puppy had been killed. I was horrified. How could I have ever liked the music of the puppy killer!

The following weekend I went straight to my brothers friend and confronted him about the puppy massacre orchestrated by Ozzy. They all began to laugh hysterically. My brothers friend could see I was close to tears, so he sat me down and explained a few things to me. Things about what people will make up when they don't understand things, stuff about music, and certain people, and censorship. He told me that music was never ever evil. Infact nothing brought you closer to God than music. And God loves all music, even Ozzy. I told all this to my parents, and they asked if maybe I'd like to stop going to Missionettes. I said yes.

My time with Missionettes was short lived, but my love for music and Ozzy continued throughout my entire life. My brothers friend and I remained in touch on and off for years. When I was a DJ at a local rock station later in life, he was my biggest fan. I even saw Ozzy in concert a couple of times over the years. He never once threw live puppies at me.