sorry mom

When Simple Plan's fourth single "Perfect" the whole world turned their necks around to see who is making that angsty "open-letter" for his dad. Immediately, masses of teenagers found themselves owning the song in their hearts because they can relate to it. One of those teenagers was me.

If you are going to ask me to define my mother, probably the first thing that will pop into my mind is her face wearing a livid look and I would define her as "someone who gets angry violently". Ever since I was a little girl, I am her human punching bag. Of course, I didn't know it back then, but now I realized that she vented out all her frustrations and emotional baggage to me.  For her, I can't do anything enough. She sees me as a weak failure. She even told me once that one of her biggest mistake in life was me. It was terrible, hearing your mother say that at your face.

Despite all this, I truly loved and admired my mother. Because of this immense love, I believed everything that she told me about myself. When she said that I am stupid and ugly, I believed her. When she said that I will never end up having a good life when I get old because I can't do anything right, I believed her still. I did everything that she wants me to do - I did everything to make her proud of me but to no avail. She continued to hate me. And I began to hate myself. There were times that i literally prayed to God to let me die because I couldn't stand being me - someone that can't even make her own mother love her.

My relationship with her affected me more deeply than I realized and the after-effects manifested themselves like raging tsunamis after I got separated from her (She and my dad divorced around 2002). My defenses were so high up that nobody could see the real me. I became selfish and insecure, and I always end up berating and degrading myself and I am in need of constant attention and love from other people. It is easy for me talk about these now, but before I didn't even see these effects. 

My mother wanted to have a perfect daughter. She wanted someone smart, confident, talented, and beautiful. Instead of being content on what I am, she yearned for more and forced me to become someone that I am not and can never be. In the process, my mother didn't only frustrate herself but also destroyed a part of me. Talk about another definition of "hitting two birds with one stone." 

I am now 17 years old and I'll be turning 18 in June. I can honestly say that the effects of my mother’s indifference have worn off now. Thanks to the support of my two fathers: the Heavenly one and the earthly one.