Girl Afraid

We all climbed onto the charter bus that morning like zombies from the Night of the Living Dead. I could barely sleep the night before anticipating our BIG 8th grade trip, and apparently my classmates couldn't either. Not only was this particular journey going to be a blast, but my mom wasn't chaperoning which made it that much more exciting.

With pillow, cassette tapes and walkman in hand, I moved toward the back of the bus and waited for the rest of my friends to climb aboard. Secretly, I was hoping the boy that I had a crush on since like kindergarten would sit somewhere in my vicinity. His name was Keith, and most of my elementary school years were centered around having a huge crush on him.

Even though I was too shy to actually have a conversation with Keith, I knew the eye candy would satisfy me since he never seemed to notice me anyway. But, when he moved to the aisle right in front of me, I was not only shocked but pretty nervous. He turned around and said "hi, what's up?" to which i simply replied "hey. nothing". Then, he sat down turning his back towards me and that was it.

I remember that moment clearly. And, I kicked myself in the ass for about the first two hours of the bus ride. I replayed what I could have said to him instead of two stupid words. I should have tried to say something cool or just something more than "hey. nothing." I think we've all experienced those moments in our life, and they pretty much suck.

My best friend since 1st grade sat next to me with a big smile and pointed to Keith sitting in front of us. The poor girl had heard me talk about him for most of our years in school so naturally she seemed excited for me. Little did she know that I had already blown one chance to actually have a conversation with him. Thankfully, the trip was just starting, and eventually, I would get another opportunity. Little did I know that the time wouldn't come until the bus ride home though.

Anyway, our celebration trip was a total blast. I went to my first major league baseball game, saw my first opera and went to a real record store! Before this time, I had purchased tapes at the local gift shop which sucked since they had to order most the records I wanted. I was in complete heaven that day thumbing through the records.

My friends didn't really share my passion for music and kept trying to rush me out of the store. As I barked at them to give me a second, I found a used copy of The Smith's Hatful of Hollow. I'm still not sure how I was blessed to find that compilation album since it wasn't even released in the US at that time. But, I was completely stoked and couldn't wait to take a listen. I had been given Meat Is Murder a couple months earlier by my a friend and instantly became a huge fan of Morrissey.

Throughout the three day trip, I would see my crush and get a dose of the butterflies. As usual, he never really looked back at me though. The night before we left, I told my best friend that I was going to stop being a chicken and talk to him in the morning. As we loaded the bus and found our seats, I was ecstatic to see Keith return to the aisle in front of me again. Yay!! Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling too well that morning but was determined to talk to him sometime on the ride home if he noticed me.

It was as the bus crossed the Bay Bridge that I put my new cassette into the walkman. I loved it especially Girl Afraid. Although the lyrical meaning was more mature than my adolescent feelings, I kept rewinding it to hear that song again.

I could relate to the lyrics: " He never really looks at me , I give him every opportunity"

Unfortunately, I started feeling really bad at this point, and started getting a fever. I wasn't alone though -- Tammy was also getting sick. But, that was not going to stop me this time!

As the bus pulled into a Taco Bell about an hour from our town, I turned off Girl Afraid and gained the nerve to say something to Keith. Tammy gave me the 'you can do it' look which encouraged me. As I opened my mouth to talk, he spoke first.

"Are you alright? What is that on your neck?" he asked. My response, "Huh? What's on my neck?"

About then, a chaperone came over to check on Tammy and I. It was right there, in front of my dream boy, that I found out I was getting the chicken pox. Talk about humiliating!

Everytime I hear the song, Girl Afraid, I remember that trip and being to much of a chicken to talk to Keith-- ironically only to get the chicken pox instead.