Numb no more

I cried today for no reason at all. Why I picked now of all times hell if I know. I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly in gut wrenching fall on the floor grief. I've numbed my emotions out for one reason or another. I'd thought I'd forgotten how to cry since I rarely do so. I usually have to be provoked. I'm so good at hiding the hurt that when that wall breaks down you forget how raw and emotional it is. I've probably cried less than ten times since my fathers death. I couldn't deal with the pain I can't even deal with it now. I would love to go take a xanax and sleep all day tomorrow ,but I can't. I have to go on the world does not stop for me to finally feel something real in six years. No, matter how hard I try to make time stop to hold on just for a second it doesn't. The sun will rise in a few hours no matter what I do and no matter how hard I cry.

I think that is why I stopped crying in the first place because, I knew that crying would not bring him back so why even bother with it. I always saw it as weak I would not be one of those "girls" the kind that cries in movies and at the end of books etc. No, I wanted to be the girl with the steel heart the one that doesn't have to feel a thing except occasional imitation happiness. I wanted everything numbed out and I did it. Unfortunately, for me my wall was made up of a weak foundation. One of course that could very easily break. It did today I think all traces of my wall are gone. I hate it. I miss the security of being numb. I want to be "Comfortably Numb" again it was so much easier than feeling. So, today I am the owner of a broken wall and an aching heart. I never thought this aching would return I did everything I could to bury it. I couldn't and now it hurts and I want to curl up and a ball and die, but I know that I can't because,"The end is justthe beginning." That is the reason I know I must go on. I hope someday to rise above this and be truly happy. Then, again what is true happiness? I just hope being numb all the time wasn't better

Note: I'm beginning to think it was better everything hurts then again what is life? October 6