No Regrets

She looks great. Shallow as it seems, she has been getting more attractive to me as the days and weeks of our “relationship” progressed. I’m not sure if that’s a product of my newfound emotional attachment to her since the New Year, or if it’s just a byproduct of my sex-craved brain. In either case, I miss seeing her lately. In the early stages of our friendship, we saw each other nearly daily. I’d catch her in the parking lot. We’d hang out, watch TV, and make fun of each others’ lives. Through all the drama of our initial stages of attraction, I always craved the time spent with her, though sometimes I seemed put out by it. That faked attitude soon turned into one that wasn’t imaginary. My broken heart of years ago reared its ugly head, and for some odd reason, I still couldn’t give myself completely to her. Flash back to the present, now I find myself wanting to give myself fully to her and facing the reality that it’s no longer an option.

I act like a good listener, asking questions that show I’ve listened in the past, but in the present, all I can think about is what we’re soon to talk about. My selfish id has taken control of my brain, locked out all thoughts of her feelings and her wishes and her life, single-mindedly trying to stave off any looming dissatisfaction. Nod and smile. Nod and smile. All I want to say is not what will work. That song that’s run through my head over and over again since I realized this was coming. I don’t want to be a regret. I want to be there for her, be the one she leans on when times get tough.

Now, every time I hear “Cocoon” by Jack Johnson, I mouth the lyrics and remember how delusional I was at hoping for an unhealthy relationship to work out. I’ve loved and laughed and lost since. Not there yet, but “Cocoon” will always remind me of her.