Anorexia

Oddly enough 2003 was the first time I heard Radiohead. To my credit I was 14 and brought up in a very rural area, but still I would consider it a late find.

In 2003 I had been struggling with anorexia and bulimia, but primarily the starvation. I spent a lot of time online and looking up lyrics that would be fitting to my situation. I remember the song Creep popped up everywhere but I had never heard it or remembered its name. In the year of cable I still had dial up and didn't bother downloading many songs.

I remember I was wearing a sports bra and scrutinizing myself in the mirror while working out. I had the radio on and it was playing the alternative station. Creep began to play and I got into it quite a bit after the first verse to the chorus.

Then the second verse came up. "I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul." It was so odd hearing those words out loud because I hadn't even realized that this was the song I had been quoting all this time... I always recognized it as a little mantra to help me continue my eating disorder and dampen my health.

Hearing the words shook me up beyond beliefs. I sank to the floor and bawled. Because of this song I would ultimately make very important life changing decisions, as my interest in Radiohead lead me down some very interesting pathes. Eventually though, I was able to recover from my dangerously low weight and I know look at this song as a victory anthem.

I'm kinda proud to be a creep.